


One Week in Hell

by esteefee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Sex Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:42:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1976463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney is really cranky, with good reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Week in Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by [mischief5](http://mischief5.livejournal.com).  
> This is what happens when I'm feeling particularly evil. [Or, the one in which John Sheppard is apparently a stand-in for all the men in our lives.]

The door chimed politely, and Rodney threw a pillow at it then groaned right afterward and clutched his poor, aching womb. 

"Rodney?" John called, the doors opening.

"What! Shut up! Go away," Rodney said, quite justifiably, he thought. This was his fourth day as a woman, due to the no-good louse standing there with his eyebrows twisted up in frowning concern, and what had begun as a completely awful, no good experience was rapidly turning into a nightmare from hell.

All thanks to Rodney's period.

"I'm in agony, if that weren't patently obvious," Rodney said. "I don't know how women do this! I need drugs, the powerful kind, but when I asked, Jennifer merely laughed at me. Laughed! If Carson were around, he'd understand."

"I'm sure he would, buddy," John said sympathetically. "Hey, I brought you something." 

"If it's not an injection of morphine or a blunderbuss to put me out of my misery, you can just get lost, Sheppard." Rodney clutched his spare pillow closer and rested his throbbing breasts on top of it. And if he caught Colonel Stares-a-Lot ogling them, he was going to give him a good dose of the pepper spray Cadman had provided him with. 

"This is all your fault," Rodney whined. "You just had to try to touch that moonstone. I told you—just because something is pretty doesn't mean you have to touch it!" Of course, of _course_ , Rodney had to stop the idiot and end up touching the thing his own damned self. "Do something to rid me of this throbbing pestilence that is my uterus!"

John twitched uneasily. "Look, I said I was sorry. Just a few more days and this will be over, okay? The translation said so."

"A few more days. A few more days, he says. Just look at me. I have a spot on my chin! I haven't had spots since I was fourteen! I'm getting flashbacks to college and Professor Chilton calling me down to the blackboard, and me having to hide my hard-on from everyone. Except, oh! Oh! I can't _get_ a hard-on, because guess what? I don't have a dick anymore, thank you very much!"

John relaxed a little, grinning. "I guess this means you haven't, uh, taken the equipment out for a spin?"

"What? No, I think not!" Rodney heard himself hit a register that made his ears ring. "This isn't my body, you moron! I'm not having sex until I get my dick back. I just want my dick back." He sniffed and clutched his pillow forlornly. "Ow. Ow-ow-ow. And as if I could think about sex when my insides are trying to mount a rebellion."

"Yeah," John said. "That's why I brought you this." He held up a small, rectangular heating pad, the cord wrapped up with a cable tie. "Heat helps."

"How would you know?" Rodney said resentfully.

John gave him an even look. "Married, remember? Just...give it a shot. If this doesn't work, I'll see if I can cadge some oxycodone out of Marie." 

"If you could, I would love you forever," Rodney said sincerely. "Forever, and ever, until the heat death of the universe and beyond."

"That's...a long time, right?" John said. He smirked and reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a dented and sorry-looking Hershey's chocolate bar. "Also brought you this." His eyes were hopeful.

Well, it was chocolate, anyway, for an approximate value of chocolate, so Rodney gave him a half-smile and accepted both offerings.

"Want me to plug that in?" 

"How very chivalrous of you, Colonel, but no, thanks. You should get to the infirmary and start working on Nurse Marie." Rodney shooed him along. "Go along, git." 

John narrowed his eyes but went readily enough. "I just wanted to say..." John bit his lip, and Rodney steeled himself for yet another uncomfortable, choked out apology, or perhaps more gratitude for saving him from the moon beam. 

"Yes?" Rodney prompted as he leaned over to plug the heating pad into the special power adapter he'd designed.

"Just, you know, thanks, Rodney. And—better you than me." 

Sheppard moved fast, damn it. The chocolate bar just missed his head as he ducked out the door.

 

_End._


End file.
